Everyone in the world, it seems, is afraid to try random internet offers. No one actually plays the little games in the website banners, like duck hunting or burger eating contests or who can mushroom-stamp the girl hardest. (Have you ever seen those? Redtube has them.)
No one is stupid enough to fall for the “You’ve the million-th visitor to this website! You get a X-Box 360 if you click on this link!” OR the obnoxious young lady whose voice attacks from nowhere with “CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve been selected to receive a free Apple IPhone!” Or the simple “WOW! CLICK HERE FOR FREE STUFF***!” and then you are forced into a Goatsy-type computer freakout of new windows opening up all over the place and showering you with demands that you take their survey, goddammit.
And yet, we are always talking about “trying new things”. New diets. New brands. New bars. New travel destinations. I never try those games, never click on the weird links, never give my social security number to a flashing, rainbow-colored penis enlargement website (Although I have considered it, because if I don’t have one, will one grow?)
I like to try new creepy herbal supplements from sketchy internet websites. Because no one else ever does. Because for a bored SF native living in SoCal, this is considered “RISQUE”.
I thought I’d share my findings with you:
Grapefruit Seed Extract in liquid form. Not Grape Seed Extract. Described as “Living Death”, because it kills all the bacteria in your stomach and may prevent illness. “Living Death” is actually a good description of how it tastes.
Paranil. This has GSE in it, big surprise. It’s designed to rid your body of parasites, from worms to flukes to bad bacteria. After living in the streets in Honduras, I thought it’d be good to give it a try. …I was terrified.
Bee Pollen. Nature’s “Perfect Food”. It tastes good and was entertaining to eat, but I was unable to survive on it alone during Finals. Went back to Redbull, Nature’s Perfect Drink.
Cinnamon Bark. Helps insulin production. I thought it might help my sugar inbalance, where my body needs extra insulin (often in the form of sugar) to function normally, because without it, my moods go out of control. It had the opposite effect I was hoping for. I just about murdered my boyfriend over some dirty dishes before I realized I should stop taking it.
And finally, COLONIX. Go to Dr.Natura.com and check this stuff out. It’s rough fiber (not the cheap smooth crap you get in stores that claims to “regulate” but actually does diddly. It comes with this nighty-night tea too, and the two combined is like WHOLE NEW ME. No mood swings, no weird hunger cravings at 2 AM, and I’ve lost the desire for sugar and carbs. Your stomach gets flat, you poop like a champ, not a single bit of diahhrrea or indigestion. Probably the best-stupid investment of online risque crap I have ever in my life bought.
This is what Heaven looks like: Note the Paranil it comes with:
Two weeks, and I’ve lost 5 lbs of blocked-up colon waste, and dropped 1 pant size. I love this stuff. Every winter, I take this fiber ensemble for year-of-junk food-erasing relief. Thank god for Colonix. I wish I could tell everyone in the universe how wonderful it is to shit every day!
I’ve already told all my friends. I have lucky friends.
0 Responses to “Colonix Is My Friend”